2:23AM - Is Christmas Eve Really Only One Week Away?

I've really fallen behind on the log I've been keeping since David S Colton made his miraculous debut. I think I'm like three days behind but I intend on redoubling my efforts before or on the the 19th which is Winter Solstice and David's 50th day as an individual entity on Earth.

It's odd. You'd think this Christmas would be more ...I dunno...obvious than it is. We've been so caught up in the whole newborn baby thing, and the fact that we're living paycheck to paycheck that I think I managed to nearly forget Christmas! I'll need to rectify that. Somehow.

4:03PM - Why My Wife Is Cool

1. She loves the NFL. She was born and raised in severe eastern Ohio and chose to root for the Steelers over the Browns. Can you say Tommy MadduXFL? When the Lions play the Steelers in the Superbowl in 2012 we will be a house amicably divided.

2. She likes Rasslin'. She digs Booker T and Goldust for pure entertainment value, and Kurt Angle for overall wrestling ability. Nothing says boner like your wife using phrases like "Wow, that was stiff" and " Who booked this crap?".

3. She's smart. She just recieved her Bachelor's Degree from UofM, recieving the highest academic honors for her 3.86 gpa. She majored in Anthroplogy and History.

4. She's hot.

5. She gave me the greatest gift of sll time, my son David Shawn Colton.

6. She's a writer. She's currently working on an ethnography of the role-playing gamer subculture. Gary Gygax, creator of D'n'D, has agreed to write the forward. She digs most geek stuff. She was actually using my Godzilla stuff from OraclesWar.com as references before she ever met me. It took her awhile to connect that the name of the Karaoke host at the bar she frequented and the guy she was reading online were the same for a reason.

7. She's a big fan of comics. Forget the fact that she owns the entire run of "Dazzler", she digs the X-men. Penalties off set. Still first down.

8. She sings like an angel. She was originally given a full ride scholarship for vocal performance from Dana School of Music.

9. She's hot.

10. She'll kick all your asses at Magic: The Gathering.

2:42PM - Don't Know Nothin' 'bout Birthin' No Babies II

If a lady ten months pregnant falls on the steps of a medium-low income apartment complex and she cries for help does anyone hear her?

Thankfully, yes.

If not for Djarum Blacks this could have been worse. The Missus and I don't smoke in the apartment because of the baby, so Pamela "The Ear" Colton (a.k.a. my wife) heard the woman fall and cry for help from the basement laundry room. Fortunately her husband also heard and came inside the complex banging on doors for help. Pamela came in to get me so as to help the woman's husband(who had one of those wicked Ricky Williams Hair-dos)get the poor woman to her feet. As we helped her up I *saw* the baby drop in the woman's uterus. She was a couple of weeks overdue and they were going to induce labor on the 18th. I think the fall did that as well as Oxytocin could.

The real reason I'm telling you this story is to complain about those people that thinks they're being helful in an emergency situation, but really are just being an overzealous pain in the ass. Two ladies came out from the other building and basically made the situation worse for the expectant couple, by shooting off the mouth about calling an injury lawyer, while the woman, who by that time had had her young daughter watching this frightening situation from the buildings vestibule, was rightly only concerned about her unborn child. These women insisted on asking the husband and I what it was that we saw, for ya know, litigation purposes. They then offered to take the woman to a specific hospital, which was not her hospital of choice. That hospital was further away, and would have inconvenienced these bastions of neighborly integrity. It's just as well, if the woman had started hemhorraging in the car, nobody would have known what to do. The building manager chimed in that perhaps Medicaid wouldn't cover the ambulance, and despite the woman's desire to wait for the ambulance, that she should have someone drive her. My wife, along with myself, who agreed that she should wait on the EMTs, quietly pointed out to the husband that he wasn't going to have to worry about any expenses accrued after his wife slipped on someone elses unsalted sidewalk, convinced them to wait. The ambulance arrived shortly thereafter.

I just hope the baby and mother or okay.

And *then* I'd call an injury lawyer. I think this couple and their young family are going to have free rent and medical expenses paid for quite sometime to come.

I'll keep ya all updated.

3:42AM - Saturday The 14th...No RIchard Benjamin!

Oh Gawd, Sir Ragz Dandelion ain't the only person that wants to smack almost all other people. Some ass clown decided he was going to interupt another person's karaoke performance of "Paradise City" (some are already digging the irony of this). I really don't know what the Hell this dickslom thought he was doing, but he hopped on stage and threatened this singer in some fashion, and then as he exits the platform, knocks over the monitor and manages to bust the microphone. I'll write more about this when I'm not so irate. In any case I just used the Big Screen and cordless for the rest of the night.

My son is enjoying a bowel movement so I'll try to come back later this morning. :)

4:56AM - No Goats Allowed

I got nothin'. Well, not much of anything.

This whole Trent Lott silliness deserves a look see. On Strom Thurmond's one-hundredth birthday gala Lott makes reference that the world would have been a better place had Thurmond won his presidential bid back in 1804 or whenever. Only problem is that Strom was a segregation fan. Naturally, every human left of Jerry Falwell, accuses Lott of being a racist.

Also Lott tried to keep minorities from joining his fraternity in college.

I actually believe that Lott meant no harm, and that he was trying "to make an old friend happy". While that statement certainly indicates that Lott's real discriminating problem is agism. Trent considers Strom to be his "old friend" and not just his friend.

In all honesty I don't think Lott should lose his seat as Senate Majority Leader Elect because he's a racist. I think he should lose his seat because he's a dumb ass, and made comments so inflammatory that I have to hear about it everytime I turn on the news, when I could be hearing about the exploits of the Mighty Yao Ming, or the wacky antics of Bob Stokes.

In other news, Cardinal Law steps down from his Archbishop status in Boston. I know nothing about the Cardinal personally but he sure has an awesome supervillian name should he chose to use it.

I'm excited to see Star Trek: Nemesis, baffled by the sequel of Ally Sheedy's tour de force "Maid To Order" where J-Lo plays Ally Sheedy as a hotel maid in "Maid in Manhattan", and would rather have my eyeballs injected with Drano than see "The Hot Chick".

David (6 weeks old exacty, today) finally nodded off so I am outta here. See ya all soon!

6:15AM - Axis-O' Evil and Other Unfortunate Irish Surnames

Let's just jump right in shall we.

41,000 residents in North Carolina are still without power a week after an ice storm hammered the southeast. Mother nature is simply the most efficient reminder of how fragile our place in the world is. Well her and ass boils. Those suck.

I'd like to point out that I intensely dislike Saddam Hussein, but before we start a war, maybe, just maybe, somebody somewhere should show the American people some proof of these weapons o' mass destruction. I really don't care about the alleged national security issues that the George-Dubya administration claims would result if this sensitive proof ever came to light. I think the endangerment of countless American lives, not to mention that of innocent civilians is reason enough to let us all in on the 'evidence'. I'm fairly certain that potential grieving survivors of this war, when asking for the reason that their loved one had to die, aren't gonna be real hip on "because I said so". Making matters worse, the UN Weapon's Inspectors are meeting with no resistance from the Iraqis, quite the opposite actually, and the inspectors are finding a whole lot of nothing. Kofi Annan seems to think things are going swimmingly, and I'm sure he didn't reach the rank of United Nations Secretary General by being a gullible twit. Show me proof that this guy is a viable threat, and I'll jump on that ass whuppin' bandwagon, otherwise if you want me to drink the Kool-Aid make sure it's a flavor other than Tropical Monkey Piss Punch.

Sss ya later!

7:23AM - The Mystery of The Greatest Man on Earth...Bob Freakin' Stokes!

The Incredible Bob Stokes!

Ever watch the Weather Channel? Ever notice how many pregnant female on air personalities there are. Kelly Cass, Jill Brown, Sharon Resultan (or whatever her name is) all were pregnant within the last few months. My guess as to why...

Bob Stokes!

Let me tell ya a little about the meteorologist with the most powerful love storm a brewin' this side of Barry White or the ghost of Wally Cox!

Bob's not fussy about his weather lady conquests: "... temperature between 60-75 degrees Fahrenheit with low humidity on the outside and excess humidity on the inside!"

A native of Taipei, Taiwan, Bob calls North Little Rock, Arkansas, home. He graduated from the University of Arkansas at Little Rock with a B.A. in Radio, Television and Film, and holds a Certificate of Broadcast Meteorology from Mississippi State University. Bob is also a member of the American Meteorological Society and holds their Seal of Approval. Bob does a lot of work with unwed mothers.

Bob's father was George Takei, better known as helmsman Sulu from the original Star Trek Series! As you know George was quite a ladies man himself, constantly getting caught in broom closets with Bill Shatner's girlfriends. But George's penchant for hard liquor and rope tricks caused Bob to run away to Arkansas where he "comforted" a young Governor's wife who shall remain nameless. One night while the Governor was away philandering, Bob and the governor's wife made passionate love to the song "Chelsea Morning" by Joni Mitchell, they failed to use protection. Bob wishes he'd have been able to claim the resulting love child as his own but the public relations nightmare that would have ensued gave him pause. That pause later became his modus operandi, the irresponsible propogation of Bob!

Bob later changed his last name to Stokes, because he stokes the fire that burns in the bodies of all women.

He first appeared on-air at The Weather Channel in June 1996, after a little casting call with the program directors wife.

Bob began his weathercaster career at KFSM-TV in Fort Smith, Arkansas. Afterwards, he joined KARK-TV in Little Rock. The next step in his career was Monterey, California, after which, Bob worked as the outdoor weathercaster for WROC-TV in Rochester, New York. He vividly recalls the very cold windchills and the warm, warm ladies! Moving Southward, he joined WTVF-TV in Nashville, and worked for WREG-TV in Memphis, Tennessee.

As a youth, Bob became interested in weather while watching the weathercasts on Little Rock television and feantasizing about making weather ladies his love speciality.

When not in front of a camera or sleeping with married chicks he enjoys spending time with family and friends, sweet soul music, making "home" movies, reading and travel.

Fear not Stokamaniacs! More Bob Stokes Infotainment To Come!

Forever Bob!

5:05AM - Styrofoam Peanuts and More!

Howdy!

It's my typical late night/early morning entry coming atcha.

My thirty-nine day old son is doing the I'm sleeping...no, I'm awake...I'm sleeping...No! Awake!!! " bit that I can't get enough of. :)

RAW wasn't too bad last night.

GOOD: Booker T giving props to a downtrodden Goldust!

BAD: Hunter taking a comfortable nap in a dumpster, while Shawn starts talking to himself like a cross between Hamlet and The Ultimate Warrior.

HBK:"How dare you confuse my humility with weakness!"

HHH: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz So comfy...Sigh...Zzzzzzzzz.


GOOD Train wreck finish of the main event. Everyone knew precisely what they were doing. Also good, putting the women over in actual wrestling matches, as opposed to the ridiculous gimmick for twelve year old boys.


BAD Jerry Lawler's drooling old perv commentary, all the penis jokes...etcetera.

I'm getting groggy so I'd best cut this short. Back later, with some actual lucid thoughts. :)

Pants!

6:09PM - These Bloody Pants Are Killing Me!

I got nothin'. I'm just going to shut my brain down, tonight, eat pizza rolls, have a couple of Coors Lights, watch RAW and the last half of Monday Night Football. I might be back with thoughts on that.

I also will be trying to come with some ideas for a Big Ragz Dandelion Christmas Toon with a mysterious title.

Sweaty hugs!

5:48AM - My Baby Boy

David Colton likes to test his old man to see if I can tell when he's finished delivering the payload in its entirety to Diaper Central. He wants to know that I'll always be there to clean up his messes, but that I'll wait until the time is right to intercede while he tries to get his poop in a group. Don't worry, David, I've got your back for, at the very least, as long as I'm breathing.

Sometimes I'll sit with David a we'll look at eachother for a long time. After awhile I feel like I'm seeing myself as a baby. Seeing what a truly fresh start looks like, I swear to do everything in my power to make sure that it doesn't take my thirty-five day old son the thirty five years it took me to find his true path in life.

I've got a gorgeous, brilliant and like minded hottie for a wife. I've got an absolutely beautiful son. I'm happy. Everything else is just icing on the best cake ever.

Poor David. He can surpass me in almost every way but one. He'll never have a woman as sexy as his Mom.

2:34AM - I'm an Idiot

If you recall last entry I made a little statistical jab at the underachieving Los Angeles Lakers. The Lakers come back from a 27 point deficit in the fourth quarter to beat the 17-1 Dallas Mavericks. Next time I mock a sports team in print kick me in the face. Hard.

I may be back later if David wakes up.

Grumble.

3:10AM - Divas.. Go Figure.

Hey there kids, this is just a quick "howdy" from me.

I saw a bit of a Whitney Houston interview with Diane Sawyer where she admits that she's the devil! Anyway, she seemed rather calm and lucid, as if someone had given her some speed and then counter balanced it with some Xanax. I used to do the same thing with caffeine and Xanax, so I know the look.

I don't do "behavioral modification/ recreational drugs" anymore.

Oh, and Mariah Carey says there was no breakdown. She just needed sleep. Probably all those black mollies and blow she was ingesting that kept her awake. I'm kidding of course. Obviously, I have no idea.

I did resume my relationship with beer, but with a healthy caution chaser. Kind of like when an old guitar slinger pal of mine, Spanky "Wanker" McGuilicutty, got back together with a girl that gave him an infestation of the "crabs". You know what they say "once bitten, check for nits".

Actually none of that's true. Except the beer thing.

Well, looks as though my newborn son (35 days old) is about ready to do the "Feed Me Seymour" thing.

I promise to use less quotation marks, next time.

Oh yeah. Pushing Albert is a stupid idea.

Attention Lakers of LA, no team with a losing record after twenty games has gone on to win a championship in the NBA.

Yao Ming is THE MAN!

Okay, okay...I really gotta go.

Peace!

4:45AM - Die, Spider, Die!

Hey there,

New father's sleep less than non-fathers. As a result my son and I perused Headline News from two to four am this morning. For some reason he gets fussy in the swing when Rudy Bhaktiar is anchoring, but today she had a replacement that he liked. He must be into blondes, even if I ain't. I sent CNN an e-mail thanking them for the change. It's tough to catch up on the news when you're carting your one month old around. He sure is cute though. Takes after his mother. :)

Anyway, on the news was a report that Michael Jackson appeared in court wearing one shoe and brandishing a crutch due to a spider-bite. After being bitten he probably beat the spider to death with his son.

A New York artist is selling everything she owns, including family pictures, half bottles of vitamins, and her own hair so that she can "see". What a twit. Probably grew up in the suburbs and found conformity in non-conformity, making up reasons to be depressed, when people are living out of carboard boxes half-dead from addictions, and the bad fortune of growing up fighting for every scrap of food. At least I have enough decency to have all of this great stuff and ya know, appreciate it. Probably should feel guilty about not being homeless. Bah!

Well, my mood needs some sleep, so I'll catch y'all on the flip side.

8:36AM - Koltar Still Rules

Greetings mortals, it is I, the melodramatic Shawn Colton, back from the dead and fresh from my "write like Stan Lee" course.

Nah, not really.

I'm going to try to update this bad boy daily, that is if my two jobs, adorable 33 day old son, or gorgeous wife don't have me otherwise occupied. As it is I absolutely slept for poop last night/ this morning. David (my son, not the guy he was named after) and I watched the Power Puff Girls (Buttercup Rules!) an hour ago and he zonked out after drinking his formula like a good little Irishman, meaning he guzzled it. So still being awake I read my e-mail and the mighty Ragz and his super cool gal Stacey hooked me up for this here LiveJournal. Here's where I'll give my wacky take on everything from current events to lifes little details.

Be there won't you?

Ciao!